Best Tea for . . . Breaking Up
by John Fox
The first step after snapping ties from a former lover is, often, to quaff as much alcohol as possible. (Try Benedictine!) But the second stage requires more delicacy, as the romantically bereaved moves from stage 1 – Denial – to stage 2 – Quiet Plotting.
This stage requires a more subtle drink, one that allows the devising of stratagems for retrieving the green Lacoste sweatshirt from the back of the ex’s Volvo and deciding how to explain to the parents one’s renewed crown/tiara of singleness.
For Quiet Plotting purposes, I suggest a loose leaf hibiscus tea. For those of you still drinking vapid dishwater from tea bags, I can only quote a great mentor of mine: “I pity the fool.” While tea bags are infamous for containing flecks of substandard tea leaves and unidentifiable feces-colored flakes, most loose leaf tea undergoes a more stringent harvesting and packaging operation that strains everything out but the tea leaf itself.
Hibiscus tea has holly-berry red petals, about the diameter of a quarter, which blossom when placed in near-boiling water. Some loose leaf requires a strainer because of fragmented leaves, but the best loose leaf hibiscus contains only whole petals that can be placed directly into the water and fished out with a spoon. Watching hibiscus petals bloom in the hot water may remind you of the money you wasted buying your ex-honey flowers (refer to Ben Folds Five’s “Song for the Dumped“), or how he only bought you roadside roses.
Hibiscus tea enjoys the full-bodied consistency of a white tea, and wields the flavorful punch of a Black Licorice. The longer it steeps (aim for five minutes), the stronger it becomes. It’s so thick that the sediment seeps to the bottom, which means the tea grows stronger closer to the finish. The potency will focus your thoughts, enabling you to plot how best to sabotage the ex’s vehicle. (Keying or deflating tires?)
So buy some hibiscus tea from your local tea vendor or purchase some online, and drink until the Quiet Plotting stage is fully finished, after which begins stage 3 – Loose Dating. (For which I suggest signing up for an online dating service. Nothing like going on multiple hopeless dates to revive your hope in some fictional view of your self-worth.) Besides, you may discover a secondary purpose for the power of hibiscus: seduction.
Tea Info:
Can Be Purchased: Herbal Hibiscus (1 oz.)
Website: teany.com
Price: $6
RedFence Rating: 7 (out of 10)
Can Be Purchased: Hibiscus Blossom (50 g)
Rose Hips Hibiscus (100 g)
Website: teagschwendner.com
Price: $3.15, $4.85
RedFence Rating: 8 (out of 10)
Can Be Purchased: Organic Hibiscus High Tea (3 oz.)
Website: mountainroseherbs.com
Price: $4.95
RedFence Rating: 9 (out of 10)
