Dennis: “Oh but if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!” — Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Transportation Security Administration
by J. Hamilton
19 November: I went through Los Angeles airport security. Life required I travel to Boston. After reading Drudge, Ace of Spades, and other blogs, I dreaded the experience. I wondered, if confronted with the necessity of being photographed naked, or groped by a stranger — based solely upon my need to travel — would I go meekly like a lamb or take a principled stand against violation?
It didn’t become an issue. The TSA employees at the initial check-in worked overtime to be friendly and helpful. I forgot to take off my shoes, but the TSA agent kindly sent me back to remove the shoes and then let me through with a smile. In our new world, though, the ordeal isn’t over until one is on the airplane.
At the boarding gate, larger, more intimidating TSA agents showed up for the final pat-down. They put on blue-plastic gloves, which reminded me of the line from Firefly: “Two by two, hands of blue.” But even they relented and smiled from time to time.
The line started to move, and the TSA agents randomly chose each subject from the passing passengers — only not so random, because they alternated male and female. My guess is that it had something to do with fairness or profiling. When I arrived near the front of the line, the agents chose a man two ahead of me. I was home free.
The apparent randomness of the TSA activity reminded me of what we called interdictory artillery/mortar fire in Vietnam. Three or four times a night our 4.2 mortars would randomly fire salvoes at pre-chosen map coordinates. I asked for the rationale and was told the randomness of time and location would confuse the enemy. I never actually noticed confusion on the enemy’s part when we were attacked.
I couldn’t detect any pattern other than gender alternation in those chosen for the pat-down at the boarding gate. When the agents were busy, passengers walked to the plane unmolested. I placed myself in line to avoid the agents, and did so.
The TSA religiously does not profile. They choose children, grandparents, cripples according to some concept that identifies randomness with purity — a purity that does not include choosing anyone who looks like anyone who ever attempted to take down an airplane — it is the reductio ad absurdum of interdictory fire. Whether I was playing a child’s game or a genuine terrorist, I knew I could win.
I understand if I robbed a gas station that I would have to stand for a pat-down — even a strip search if drugs were involved. But no — when I have to board an airplane at Logan Airport in Boston to return to Los Angeles, an agent with blue hands may call me out of line and photograph me naked or strip me to my underwear. I didn’t do anything but join the army, pay taxes, and decide to fly across country. I don’t believe a single terrorist in history fits my profile: born in Texas, 24 grandchildren, a Ph.D. I could go on, but why should I — we all know the issue. I am treated as a lawbreaker because young males of the Muslim faith would be offended if they were closely scrutinized as they boarded an airplane — the fact that such close scrutiny would have averted several real, and several close tragedies may not be included in the argument.
When I wrote editorials in Iowa City, a man was mugged on the downtown streets — he said by an African-American. The police stopped six African-Americans on the street in their hunt for the perpetrator (not many African-Americans live in Iowa City). My editor ordered me to write an editorial condemning profiling. I said: you mean if a one-legged Asian robbed someone on the street, then the police can’t stop one-legged Asians and question them? He didn’t answer. There is no answer. It’s a stupidity worthy of the Red Queen.
The Israelis successfully profile. In a trip through Tel Aviv security I put my computer in my suitcase to avoid the hassle computers seem to cause at that airport. Big mistake. What kind of person puts his computer in his suitcase? The Israelis didn’t assault me, but they did interrogate until satisfied — which took some time.
Common sense should intervene here, too. Terrorists do not penetrate Israeli security — but then the Israelis don’t randomly pull people from line while alternating gender. They study the passenger list and the passengers, and if a veteran from Texas with 24 grandchildren tried to smuggle a bomb onto a plane, they would catch him.
