Internetiquette
by James Roland
When surfing the internet, it is important to wear pants whenever possible. Shorts are also acceptable, as long as they have belt loops or a sturdy cotton tie in the front. I have also discovered the importance of shaving away tri-weekly stubble from my face (a day or so of Don Jonson-esque shadow is good for the male mystique, but it’s best not to let it get out of hand). I also recommend a shirt. Nothing fancy, certainly no collar, but any chest covering is a good idea.
Ignore the little devil on your left shoulder . . . in spite of his complaints, giving your paunchy exterior a slight polish before plopping in front of your desk is good for the psyche and your social life. If you are properly dressed, rather than wrapped in nothing but a bath towel, you will not feel that icy panic when you click on a YouTube movie review of Pirates of the Caribbean, only to find yourself watching a fifteen-year-old girl sway with clumsy seduction as she lip syncs to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack in her pink frilled bedroom.
It seems like these awkward dead-ends on the internet always take the longest to load properly, and refuse to pop off your computer screen for a full thirty seconds after you click them away . . . thirty seconds for your roommate or loved one to pop their head into your room and find you frantically trying to make the little girl stop dancing while you attempt to re-adjust your towel.
Despite the best efforts of internet 2.0, you can’t escape real, face-to-face communication. Even the millions of user icons have a bigger stake in your life than you want to admit. A misuse of CAPITALS! or undecipherable emoticons ( ^_@ . . . she wants to give me a black eye?) can lead to misunderstandings. Next thing you know you’re black listed from the Alan Moore message board or find a decrease in hits for your latest video upload. And if you belong to the Geeks or Nerds or any other lower social caste you know how important these things are.
Best to remind yourself that these are real people with real – if somewhat subcultured – emotions and ideals. Even if you don’t have a web-cam, take a little time to prep yourself. Iron that Thundercats t-shirt. Wipe the Cheetos dust from your soul patch. Wipe the W.O.W.-induced crusties from the corner of your eyes. It will save you a whole blogosphere of embarrassment.
